Have you ever...

Have you ever looked at where you are and wondered how you got to this point? Why are we given something only to have it taken away? Yes, I am aware that this is not a happy, smiley family post with cute photos of the kids. Sometimes, we just need to reflect...and today is my day.

It has been a very emotional couple of days. Kennedy is starting high school, and I just keep asking myself if that is possible?? I am excited for her, and at the same time, I realize that she is going to be gone in four years. Wow, the pressure to get everything in that I wanted to do with her and remember to tell her everything I want to be sure that she knows.

Pondering another point, I am turning a nice "round" number in a few weeks. It is going to happen whether I like it or not...but I don't like it. I don't have to, it isn't required. Am I where I wanted to be at this age? I don't know. I think I have forgotten what I wanted, but I have learned to be happy where I am. I think that comes with age. That may be the one "up" side.

My sister has been gone for eleven years. I still think about her everyday . Our birthdays our coming, and we always celebrated together growing up, because they were only two days apart. I hated that then, but would give anything for it now. It does get easier in a way, but she is still gone. It is still hard to talk about. Today marks the day that she went in a coma. I was so fortunate to have spent the day before with her. There is so much more I would have said if I had known that we would not get another day. But, if she could hear me, I gave her an ear full for the six weeks she lay there. It does make me smile to remember some of the things I said to her, trying to get her to wake up. God gave me more sisters, I am very blessed. I love them all. God gave me Kameron to remind me of his mother. He is a funny sweet boy and she would be so proud of him! I still wonder why? I also wonder if I have the right to question God. I know I don't, but I do.

Life can become so overwhelming with both good and bad. This is where I am sitting. I am overwhelmed at everything going on around me. I am at a point that I can see my college graduation! May 2012...very excited. I have made it to 40 (well almost!). I have a wonderful husband that wants me to be happy. My kids are not delinquents (so far). I have a million reasons to be thrilled with my life. So why does this time of year always make me bipolar? Seriously, some days I know my family thinks I am. There is just so much change going on in my life. Maybe that is age too...not liking change. The house, education, my business and just life in general is spinning around me and my personality says, "get a grip, and take control of this."
I like control, or feeling as if I am on top of things. I am aware that I am not the one in control, but he let's me think I am sometimes ;) ...and then I get a subtle reminder that HE is in charge. Maybe that is what this is....a time to remember that I can do anything through him and he will take care of the details. Maybe I just need to be medicated...who knows.

I also wonder why things happen when they do? I have heard that there is a reason for everything, but as you have read, I question that. Why do things come at the most unexpected time- some to make you smile and some to make you question and some to just become another issue to deal with. Do our paths in life really cross at certain times on purpose?

I have talked to God about all of this...I will get back to you on what he says.